A not entirely practical, but nevertheless useful, guide on how to get through the festive season without storming out of the room, getting paralytic or wanting to kill any family members…
Ah Christmas, it’s exactly like that scene in Love Actually, right? You run out of the airport into your family’s waiting arms, the air is filled with laughter and chatter as you trundle along with your suitcase to the car park, Christmas lights twinkling overhead, carols playing…
True? Yes. But then what happens? Here’s a totally fictitious, not-at-all-related-to-my-life account of my friend’s annual return home for Christmas.
Hello Christmas. Goodbye Sanity
On the way home from the airport she likes to stop to buy some Cadbury’s chocolate/go to the bathroom/ vomit because of the going-away party the night before. Her parents refuse. She protests but her complaints are ignored. Suddenly she’s 15 years old again, sitting in the back of the car in a sulk. She arrives home and heads upstairs, but in the words of Baby Bear: “Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” – cue argument with her sister, which increases in volume when she sees her favourite dress, the one she’s specifically been losing weight for since her last visit home, in a dirty ball on her sister’s bedroom floor. Then her parents are shouting at them to stop fighting. Next she’s texting her best friend to ask how many hours until Boxing Day drinks in the pub and wondering where it all went wrong.
There’s something about Christmas that makes it hard for me to remember that, in another country (oh, it might as well be another world), I’m a level-headed grown-up with a job and, you know, bills and a washing machine and stuff. And by me I mean my friend, obviously.
There’s no doubt that Christmas is a unique time for families. For many it’s the only time all year when you’re all together under one roof, and such close proximity can be dangerous. Much like the evil holiday specifically conjured up to reiterate that you will be alone forever (Valentine’s Day), Christmas was created so you could compare your family’s Christmas unfavourably with the shiny, happy Christmases on the TV screen, in the movies, on the front of greeting cards… Even the little pictures on the wrapping paper are in on it.
A wonderful family Christmas
But with this handy guide, I promise to get you through the Christmas season and out the other side unscathed.
The totally foolproof, not entirely practical Christmas survival guide
Get a child
Children: a Christmas essential
Now, just so we’re clear, I’m not recommending you make a child (Christmas is a month away, we simply don’t have time, silly). But, whoever coined the phrase “Christmas is for children” was right. Once you and your siblings have gotten past the age of believing in Santa, Christmas always seems to be missing a certain something. The only way to recapture that is to reintroduce a child into the house again. A charming orphan child loitering in the street à la Oliver Twist. But remember children, just like pets, are supposedly for life and not just for Christmas, so choose carefully. Oliver seemed very likely to form attachments, for example. Not what you want at all. So I’ll be looking for Pippi Longstocking to add sparkle and childlike delight to my Christmas. At least you know she’ll be out of there on the next ship once Christmas is over.
Presents and crackers
Whilst Santa may not bring the presents anymore, thus providing an automatic naughty-or-nice evaluation, calculating the amount of presents you’ve received compared to everyone else is a difficult habit to break. But don’t sulk if your brother gets more presents than you, be proactive. When shopping for family Christmas presents, buy yourself something you’ve wanted all year. So while you’re gazing enviously at his lavish pile of gifts and darkly thinking about how he was always the favourite, you can comfort yourself with the fact that you are the proud owner of a life-size Robert Pattinson poster. Ha, who’s jealous now?
Crackers can be tricky, too. Their noise, hats, jokes and gifts put them right up there with the piñata as the Best Idea Ever, but at Christmas, in the loving bosom of your family, the noise the crackers make when pulled may as well be a gunshot. All too often there is only one good present in the entire box and the person who gets this is the object of deep envy for a good five minutes. Accept that maybe next year you’ll be the proud owner of the miniature pack of cards and move on. Think about it, would you want it if they didn’t have it?
Fashion
Dress up for Christmas
The most important time for anyone to look their best is when seeing people after a long time. You have to look better than distant cousins and uber successful to critical relatives, so start planning in advance. I’ve never understood why designers haven’t abandoned the traditional catwalk set-up for a school or family reunion setting to showcase their new clothes – I’m telling you they would quadruple their sales if they’d preyed more on people’s insecurities and desire to look better. (Note to grateful designers: I accept MasterCard and Visa).
This is exactly why the Christmas outfit is such an important institution. But, unlike the typical fashion challenges of “day to night” or “office to party”, the Christmas outfit is in a league of its own. Amongst its functions, it has to take you down the fashion catwalk that is receiving Communion at Christmas Day Mass, look amazing at the neighbourhood and family gatherings afterwards, magically expand to accommodate the mountains of food you eat at dinner, and make you look svelte and fabulous that evening when socialising, in case you bump into your ex. That’s a lot to ask of one outfit, so make sure it’s up to the job by planning meticulously.
There’s so much room for activities!
An active festive pursuit
It’s no coincidence that TV schedules fill with films around Christmas. Movies are all about escapism, and what better way to bond with your family and then escape into a different world together? I personally recommend a good box set of films to fill the time. Lord or the Rings works well because it has something for everyone, from epic battles to the touching love story between Frodo and Sam. Buy everyone a selection box to prevent fighting over the only Crunchie, and sit back and relax.
Still though, the four walls of your house can get pretty oppressive if you don’t make plans. Whilst Boxing Day in the pub may be an institution, there are lots of other activities you can do, other than run away and drink to promote familial peace and harmony: attend a carol service en masse, sneak down to the bottom of the garden for a cigarette with your sibling, help cook dinner, or assemble complicated Christmas gifts (Ok, maybe not the last one, too much potential for fighting).
All together now…
Once you’re all together again, after a year apart, you go back to being a child and squabbling with your siblings over who gets to play with the headless Barbie or the badge-making kit. Keep in mind that in another world, in which you’re a grown-up, you neither need, nor want these things. Plus spare a thought for your parents who have gotten used to a quiet house and were anticipating a lovely Christmas with their mature children.
Remember that you love them all really and nothing demonstrates love like the security of knowing you can fight with someone and still be there for them. So, embrace the family Christmas with all its quirks and foibles. It’s what you’ll be looking forward to all year and, once it finally ends, you can get the hell out of there.
Bah humbug, I mean, Merry Christmas everyone!
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